I am nothing special. I'm just a girl battling her demons and this is where I come to banish them. I have vision, a lot of it but I am unsure of whether or not I have the tools to back it up. Because like Einstein, my only talent is that I'm passionately curious; Though I suppose that's a good one to have considering one of my main missions in life is to always be learning. I am a student of life, always discovering new things about myself and always working through my kinks or at least I'm trying to. This is where this blog comes in. This is where I share the deepest and the darkest that I can't even share with my very best friend's. Which in itself, is ridiculous but I suppose I'll figure out the why here. I do not claim to be overly interesting or insightful but these are my innermost thoughts shared anonymously for anyone that cares to listen. Thank you in advance for sticking around, if you do, because I certainly don't expect anyone to.
I’m in serious like with my best friend, possibly even love-I try not to commit to either feeling because committing makes it real and it being real makes me feel like shit. I don’t really know what to do about it. The kicker? He and my other best friend are in serious like(very possibly love) with each other. All I want is for them to be happy. I feel like absolute shit for having these feelings when my best friend in the whole world expressed them for him previously. I feel like the scum of the Earth. I have these thoughts and I feel terrible for having them. What is wrong with me? I’m a strong believer in attraction being uncontrollable, we love/like who we love/like regardless of the logic our brains try to feed us. I can’t help but think that he’s fucking fantastic. And I can’t help but find endearment in his deepest flaws by accepting them as they are; Each stitched together with good intentions to all that makes him one of my best friends: his humor (even when it’s colored with crass), his beautiful and kind heart, his mind, his bluntness, his sincerity, his ridiculousness, and his generosity. I could go on. But even being a believer in that school of thought, in believing that “the heart wants what it wants” I cannot help but hate the part of me that feels this way. Would I ever act on these feelings full forcefully? No, absolutely not. I want them to be happy with each other, they both deserve each other- they are the most amazing people a person could ask for and the deserve happiness in the form of one another. But then there’s that part of me that would die a little every time I saw them hold hands or steal a kiss just because. I can feel the pull to withdraw from a long lived multiple person best friendship and I’m afraid that I could give in. I’m afraid the pull to shut down and bail out could consume me and win out and i’ll run for the hills or sabatoge this beautiful thing we have. And I don’t want that animosity for something so pure and something so right. I just want to be 100% okay with it. And I don’t feel it’s fair to lose myself in another in an attempt to rectify my ill-placed affections, it wouldn’t be fair to the other guy at all and it wouldn’t be fair to myself either.
Not to mention, if we’re best friends, then why do I feel the inability to voice these feelings/concerns with them. If not to him, at least to her. Part of me feels it’s because I know her, and the idea of their possible relationship making things even in the least bit awkward for me would cause her not to dive in. And that’s even before she knows that I may have feelings as well. She’s just that girl, not the biggest sharer of emotions but she cares, and she cares a bunch. And while many pride themselves on being such good people, willing to throw their ambitions or wants to the side for another, she would do that just for my comfort. And it would kill me if she did that. This, she of all people deserves. But then there’s that other part of me that becomes paranoid and questions the entire foundation of the friendship. Is the friendship that I find so deep and so sincere actually just superficial? If I can’t share something like this, yeah it would be awkward and yeah it would create ripples but if we’re absolute best friends it can be worked through. So what does my fear say about me? About what the relationship really is? Or how I take it in and process it?
I just don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want to adore him in this light. I don’t want all the negative feelings that have attached themselves to it.